Crying in H Mart

You might know Michelle Zauner as the creative force behind Japanese Breakfast, but here, she steps out from her indie pop persona, sharing a raw, deeply personal side. Her 2021 memoir, Crying in H Mart, is a potent exploration of how grief, culture, and identity intertwine after losing someone who’s been your anchor.

Born to a Korean mother and an American father, Zauner grew up navigating her Korean heritage somewhat from the sidelines. After her mother died of cancer, she was left shattered, feeling as if a part of her own identity was gone too.

She captures this dislocation vividly: Sobbing near the dry goods, asking myself, ‘Am I even Korean anymore if there’s no one left in my life to call and ask which brand of seaweed we used to buy?’ Her grief pushes her into limbo, where she wonders who she is without her mother’s guidance through her cultural roots. This search for connection leads her back to Korean food and rituals as a lifeline. H Mart—a Korean-American grocery store—becomes her sanctuary, a place to feel her mother’s presence and hold onto that part of herself.

As I read, I was suddenly transported back to a moment from my childhood, when my mum and I spent a day with the Korean wife of one of my dad’s work colleagues, learning how to make a traditional bean curd dish that I remember being obsessed with. Decades later, I sit here wishing my mum was still alive so I could ask her if she remembers what that dish was called. Sometimes I wonder if grieving the questions that can no longer be answered is the hardest part of a loss.

I’m searching for memories, Zauner writes, I’m collecting the evidence that the Korean half of my identity didn’t die when they did.

Zauner’s reflections feel achingly real for anyone who’s felt the void left by a lost loved one. If I’m being honest, there’s a lot of anger. I’m angry at this old Korean woman I don’t know, that she gets to live, and my mother does not. That familiar yet volatile recipe of anger layered with guilt and a quiet yearning, as she questions whether wholeness is even possible.

In Crying in H Mart, Zauner captures the journey of embodying her mother’s legacy, holding onto the parts that shaped her. Her words resonate with anyone who’s felt the ache of absence, the need to remember, and the hope that what remains might guide us forward.

You can read the first chapter of Zauner’s memoir in The New Yorker. For more stories exploring grief, identity, and connection, visit Grief Club.

(originally posted on my substack)